


so this is what love, looks like for us?

by kimwonpil



Series: i wanna be myself, i don't care [4]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic, Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Park Seonghwa-centric, Self-Discovery, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:22:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26294812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimwonpil/pseuds/kimwonpil
Summary: like everything, like nothing, like something no one could quite hold.that was what love felt like to seonghwa.(or: seonghwa is aromantic and love, in its many forms, just takes a little time)
Relationships: ATEEZ Ensemble & Everyone, Park Seonghwa & Everyone
Series: i wanna be myself, i don't care [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1646098
Comments: 4
Kudos: 55





	so this is what love, looks like for us?

**Author's Note:**

> ah yes i finally caved and did something i always wanted to do,,, spontaneously write and post a fic at 3am!!! this is short and self-indulgent and about aro hwa so yes, that's about it on that.
> 
> as someone who is aro myself, it's very hard to navigate a world that pushes romance as some superior form of love, realising that the other types and ways to love were just as important was very freeing for me. and so that's what i've tried my best to capture here!
> 
> i hope everyone enjoys the fic, thanks for reading and have a great weekend ^•^
> 
> (title from pristine by the hoosiers - pls go listen to it it's beautiful and has been my favourite song for forever)

like pearls, dropped into ocean depths and left to sink without a glimmer of sunlight.

like washed up shores of grey and white, sea foam bubbling against soaked toes and cascading over broken shells.

like the distant moonlight and her frayed hope, clinging to surfaces and sparkling away into dust.

like everything, like nothing, like something no one could quite hold.

that was what love felt like to seonghwa.

it was but a fragment of emotion that held so much depth, that loomed over his every ounce of existence. and seonghwa felt heavy.

he dragged his feet through life, trying to love, learning to love. but what he learnt held no reverence, no meaning. it was hollow and taught by people with far more experience than him.

seonghwa felt broken.

broken like glass bottles at the end of a long week, where businessmen loosened their ties and drank themselves into oblivion.

broken like time on a watch that had aged over decades, seconds turning to minutes, turning to hours, turning off.

broken like a bone, snapped away from the body at an angle so garish one could only grimace.

broken like the trust he had so willingly given to seven people who still took it, without knowing seonghwa had nothing left to give.

when they said they loved seonghwa, took their hands in his and kissed his chapped lips, he felt nothing. his heart simply dismantled and laid out to be mocked beside them.

the others didn't seem to notice — and if they did they didn't seem to care.

_ “i love you, seonghwa, i love you so much.” _

seonghwa's replies were always trapped, like fish in a tank who swam aimlessly until their final swish of fin.

and so he didn't reply, he kissed them again, just to show he cared.

because he did care,  _ oh _ , seonghwa cared far too much.

love was hard but caring was easy and seonghwa could care for these seven until eons had become meaningless in the throes of time. seasons passed and they all changed, they all grew, but seonghwa never stopped caring.

he would always ask them to stop, to slow down and breathe. the seven of them would thank him and fall into his arms; his heart still didn't skip a beat.

it had been two years since their debut and seonghwa had almost lost himself completely. he still cared, he always did, but he couldn't love. and they knew that.

_ “say it back.” _

“hmm?”

_ “say it back seonghwa.” _

it didn't matter who was speaking, it could have been any of them. seonghwa knew this conversation was coming after all.

he didn't speak. oh no.

seonghwa only laughed.

“that's not how it works, i can't say words i don't fully understand.”

and that was the truth, the complete, utter truth summed up and served on a plate of bitter words and mundane emotions.

but it was real.

it was seonghwa.

loving came easy to no one, seonghwa didn't think it would come to him at all.

the others backed off significantly, they wouldn't talk to him much anymore. seonghwa had hurt them, he'd hurt himself by hurting them. but words were spoken and couldn't be erased, he had to live with what he had done.

seonghwa still cared.

he watched as they laughed and joked, running around in the practice room even during the witching hours where all should be asleep. he still cared when one toppled over the other, still got up to help them stand and assess the damage.

seonghwa still smiled, sometimes.

the curl of his lips was undeniable when they spoke of their dreams, funny tales spouting from the younger boys who rattled off unbelievable stories forged in their unconscious brains. a loud laughter erupted, but seonghwa didn't join. seonghwa  _ did _ smile.

seonghwa still yearned to know what love even meant, who love was even for?

but he thought he might now understand the fractals of the feeling.

when the sun was dipping lower and the path from the studio to the dorm became less crowded, seonghwa breathed. the air in his lungs was crisp, the last remnants of light on his face warm to the touch. he loved this feeling. he loved that he could experience it. seonghwa loved that he knew that this was love. true and naive, but love all the same.

seonghwa started to see love in the others.

in the way hongjoong took his hand and slipped their fingers together, rubbing his thumb against seonghwa's knuckles in time to the ceaseless rhythm of his own heart. it said to him that someone was there, someone was always there, for him.

in the way yunho always helped him in the kitchen, always wanted to learn more from seonghwa. even if it ended in disaster quite often, they had fun and yunho would smile blindingly at him in the most obnoxiously beautiful way.

in the way yeosang would quietly ask to sit next to him on long car journeys, saying that seonghwa helped him sleep easier and rest better. and as yeosang laid his head on seonghwa's shoulder, his heart bloomed.

in the way san would tease him and joke around, like nothing could ever hurt nor hinder them. it never did, the jokes were funny and the atmosphere felt like pure joy, unabashed elation picked right from a fairy tale.

in the way mingi would be more like himself around seonghwa, ramble on and on about his day without apology, before shyly asking seonghwa about his. the adoration in seonghwa's eyes was probably obvious, but it never left nonetheless.

in the way wooyoung and he would sing together, dance and fool around even when the world was tired and slow, hours melting into moments of happiness that seonghwa would treasure forever.

and in the way jongho would let himself be cared for, even if he protested, smile tugging on his lips when seonghwa would offer to cuddle or offer to get him snacks and drinks. their friendship was precious.

all of seonghwa's friendships were.

and love was suddenly simple.

love didn't need to be grand, it didn't need to stop time and wave about a banner in jubilation.

it needed to be held dear and treated with care. but also left to fester in isolation, grow to amounts so large and full of life that it needed to be shared. seonghwa understood that now.

love was but a word and it was complicated once, it still probably was now — if seonghwa thought too hard.

but in friendship love was easy.

in friendship love was kind.

love was everything and nothing, something no one could quite hold.

and that was okay, that was completely okay.

**Author's Note:**

> here's my twitter :D : [@acepiri](https://twitter.com/acepiri)  
> 


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